WHEN WILL DONALD TRUMP QUIT THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE?

As soon as it becomes clear that he cannot win, he will announce that "The election is rigged, he will really win big but the Democrats are cheating." Along with a bunch of other similar nonsense. He will quit because he cannot live with himself if he becomes the latest John McCain, Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush loser. He will definitely quit, the only real question is when.


BORDER SECURITY

Those Mexicans are taking over the southwest. They act like they own it. Oh, that's right, they used to. Until they held that big democratic vote in Mexico to give California, Arizona and New Mexico to the U.S. Did I say vote? Whoops! I meant when we just sent an army down there and took them. So Mexicans could learn about Democracy.


$15 MINIMUM WAGE

If we raise the minimum wage, corporations say they will just have to pass it along to you, the minimum wage paying consumer. It's OK for them to pass along the CEO's outrageous and undeserved salary, it's OK to pass along their donations to Republican politicians, it's OK to pass along all the money they give to lobbyists, it's OK to pass along all those off-site conferences in Las Vegas and Hawaii for executives, it's just not right to pass along the wage of the lowest people on the corporate totem pole. You can pay for that with your taxes when the underpaid workers file for food stamps and public housing.


THE AMENDMENT BANNING GAY MARRIAGE

Where's the amendment banning adultery? Where's the amendment banning wife-beating? Where's the amendment banning divorce? If "traditional" marriage is so perfect, why do half of them end in divorce?


OBAMA IS TAKING AWAY OUR GUNS

I wish. The only real and permanent answer to gun violence in the U.S. is to repeal the Second Amendment. Sure, the argument that we all have an individual right to weapons is specious, but it's accepted as fact. Repealing the Second Amendment stops that argument in its tracks. We can replace it with something like, "Possession and sale of firearms may not be banned, but must be well-regulated by the Federal Government to protect its citizens."


TALK RADIO

There's a reason they don't call it "think radio."


SOCIALIZED MEDICINE

Let's see, we can socialize wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and socialize schools (I don't have kids,but I pay school taxes), we can socialize building roads and highways and interstates, we can socialize farming (how much did you get last year not to grow corn?), we can socialize football stadiums, we can socialize flood insurance (for all those poor people living in seven-bedroom beach houses), we can socialize bank and auto bailouts, we can socialize retirement, we can socialize tax-free churches, we can socialize airports, we can socialize space stations, we can socialize downtown parking garages, we can socialize oil drilling, we can socialize prisons, police and firefighters but we can't socialize medicine. Because that would make us Socialists.


FETUS WORSHIP

If only conservatives felt such passion about the born as they do about the unborn. The born? Who the fuck needs them? Especially if they are poor and/or non-white. Why don't those damn babies get jobs and pull themselves up by their bootstraps? The way my great-great white granddaddy did? With the help of hundreds of slaves.


THE GOVERNMENT NEVER CREATED A JOB

Then who's paying all those people who work at the Pentagon? At the Post Office? Down at the school your children attend for free? Who is fixing the potholes and building roads and bridges? Who built the airport in your town, where did the money come from? Why do mayors scream when the military tries to close a base in their town? Who is Boeing building all those planes for? Who made all those Humvees we left in Iraq? Who made all the uniforms? Who made the boots? Who made all the guns? The fact is, the Federal government is the biggest employer in the country. Saying the government never created a job over and over and over again doesn't make it true. It just makes it a bigger lie. Especially if it comes out of the mouth of a Member of Congress who is a person with one of the eleven million, much-coveted government jobs.


THE FRENCH RUN FROM BATTLES

That Napoleon. What a fucking chicken. Not brave like draft-dodging Donald, Newt, Rush and Bill O'Reilly.


"CRITICS SAY..."

That's what lazy reporters say when they mean, "Republicans say..."


THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE CONSERVATIVES

Our Founding Fathers were Liberals -- the Conservatives, known then as Tories, wanted to stay British. After the Revolution many of them repatriated to England, as did their good buddy, Benedict Arnold.


EVOLUTION IS JUST A THEORY

So is Creationism. The difference is that one theory has a fossil record, a DNA record and stacks of physical evidence; the other has a 2,000 year-old book written by poets and shamans that is full of myths, legends, contradictions and easily disprovable statements. The large majority of Christian denominations, including Catholics and Anglicans believe that evolution is part of God's plan and does not conflict in any way with their faith. Why the spineless press lets know-nothing Christian hate groups set the agenda is anyone's guess.


LET'S GET BACK TO THE CONSTITUTION'S "ORIGINAL INTENT"

Want to get back to the original intent of slavery? The original intent of not letting women and blacks vote? The original intent of letting state legislatures appoint U.S. Senators instead of voting for them? The Framers' original intent was that government should do what's best for the governed. They were very open to change and not wed to the status quo.


PAYING PEOPLE NOT TO WORK

Unemployment benefits are insurance paid by employers for their employees. People who didn't want to work can't get these benefits. The real Paying People Not to Work program is the Republican plan to keep rich kids who never worked a day in their lives from having to pay taxes on their parent's estates. God forbid these "patriots" should pay taxes to the country that gave them so much for doing so little.


THE REPUBLICAN PLAN TO GET AMERICA BACK TO WORK

Ban gay marriages, deport cheap farm laborers, teach Creationism, post the Ten Commandments in schools and courthouses and give the rich even more tax breaks. If that doesn't create jobs, what will?


DEATH TAX

You mean Inheritance Tax, don't you? And exactly what did you do to earn it? You win money on a game show, guess what? It's taxed. You win the lottery, you pay taxes. You win the game of life, why shouldn't it be taxed? "Because Mummy and Paw Paw already paid income taxes on it," you say? They did? On that house they bought in 1966 for $50,000 and you can't wait to sell for $3.5 million? "But those poor farmers, they'll lose their farms." Fine, let's pass a law that family farmers don't have to pay inheritance taxes -- if their main job is farming and they live on the family farm. Isn't it funny that 1700 farm subsidy checks went to Manhattan addresses last year? The family CEO and the family hedge fund manager should be thankful they live in a country that lets them make so much money. They should thank that country by paying their fair share.


HEALTH AND LEGACY BENEFITS ADD $1700 TO EACH DETROIT-MADE CAR

It's not true but how come the press never asks these questions: How much does executive pay and perks add to each car? How much does the cost of Big Three's lobbyists add to each car? How much does the cost campaign donations add to each car?


CRIPPLING CORPORATE TAXES

If only American corporations bothered to pay them. How much did Ford, GM, GE, The New York Times and Time Inc. pay in taxes last year? Oh, yeah, zero. It seems high taxes aren't the problem at all. It's idiot CEOs and their over-compensated boards. The tax rate could be a hundred percent and it wouldn't make a difference if you don't pay it. This is a bogus Republican talking point.


GAY RIGHTS

Should gays, women and minorities pay lower taxes for having fewer rights than straight, white men?


FOCUSING "LIKE A LASER ON JOBS," REPUBLICANS INTRODUCE ANOTHER ANTI-ABORTION BILL

How many jobs this will create is still uncertain.


PRAYER IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS

If only Jesus had an opinion on this subject it would end all debate. Oh, yeah, he did! Here's what he had to say on the subject.
Matthew 6:5-8 “And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.”


THE LIBERALS ARE TURNING US INTO FRANCE!

No, we don't want no stinkin', on-time, high speed trains taking us between New York and Chicago ten times a day. We don't want no stinkin' cradle to grave health care, we don't want government to send paid nannies to help new mothers around the house, we don't want no stinkin' free higher education for everyone. We don't want to live in a place that values auto mechanics as much as they do lawyers, we don't want to live in a place with a divorce rate that is half of ours and where the food is ten times better and healthier. No, we don't want to be France. That would be horrible.


STAND YOUR GROUND

Did Trayvon Martin have a right to stand his ground, or is it just white guys with guns that get to do that?


RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS

If you're a rich, fucking, evil bastard in Russia, the press calls you an oligarch. If you're a rich, fucking, evil bastard in America, the press calls you a Job Creator.


"OBAMA'S" VA SCANDAL

So G.W. Bush spent almost eight years of his Presidency creating tens of thousands of new VA patients overloading the system so, of course, it's Obama's fault. Nice going, media. A nice little racket you got going there.


OBAMA IS HURTING AMERICA'S REPUTATION OVERSEAS BY NOT STANDING UP TO PUTIN

If there's one things Republicans have made clear over the years it's that they could care less what the "socialist" countries of Europe think about America. Remember "Freedom Fries?" They've made it clear how much they hate the Democrats because they're "turning us into Europe." So if you don't care what the Europeans think of us, Obama can't hurt our reputation with them, can he? So who exactly thinks less of us? The Russians? Putin wants the same things in Russia that the Republicans want here -- no gays, no environmental rules, no raunch rock and roll, no health care for poor people and clamping down on the "liberal" press. Why do the Republicans want us to fight him. If Putin lived here, the Republicans would vote for him. Oh, yeah, by voting for Trump, they are.




NEWS OF THE FUTURE!

2073 -- NYC Temp Hits 135! Fox News Blames President Obama!

2099 -- NFL Team Hires Second Gay Player!

3050 -- Arab/Israeli Crisis Reaches Boiling Point. Secretary of State Calls for Peace!



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